After over 1,000 independently done clinical studies, science finally proves conservatives have the inability to discern, understand and think in the “big picture.” President Obama has since declared a state of national emergency and was quoted later as saying “We have had in our midst those incapable of seeing themselves out of the dark ages. There are many people who haven't the comprehensive ability to understand even the smallest of big ideas such as: that we exist on a small planet, circling a larger star we call the sun that is known to exist in an even larger universe, that life evolves and has lead to our present existence, that there are strands of very small molecules called DNA, that in large part determine what we look like and how we function. We have in our midst these people and have given them the power to rule our lives and determine our destinies. It has been determined with my greatest reservation to remove such individuals that named themselves or prove themselves by action and policy to be of the conservative ideology from office. It is only for the gravest concern of this nation and for the protection of democracy that I must take this most undemocratic of actions. After this day forward, any voter that may cast their vote to a conservative candidate should expect their vote to count as a fraction to any other vote.” After the speech many in Washington began to predict a second American Civil War.
Two weeks after the speech, 150,000 American troops invade Texas and detain almost every public official. New elections are set. Stampedes of Texas conservatives are said to have invaded the Texas Legislature and held town meetings in every small town in district, all demanding to know what a fraction is. In outrage, Texas Conservatives boycott the new elections. After two months of relative calm, the elections results turn out majorities of democratic representatives. Rumors that the president has insulted the conservative’s intelligence breakout. Hundreds of conservative’s burn down their own homes in protest. Several commit suicide. Oddly, the majority of conservatives do nothing. Expert on Conservative thinking explains, “The reason the response from conservatives was so muted can be attributed to the fact that the first action in the Texas invasion was to shut down all access to conservative media. It seems without that access the conservatives no longer have any ability to organize or express any political debate, what so ever—sad, really.” Other (more concerned) citizens say there is electrically charged feeling to the air looming over Texas, and believe that what seems evident as complacency or silence at the moment should be considered the calm before the storm, not any storm, but a Texas-sized super-storm.
One scientist and presidential advisor brings light the president’s vague use of the term fraction in his State of Emergency address, “It is now well understood, the conservative voter’s vacuous intellect has been deliberately used as a proxy to serve the richest and most powerful of American’s interests and, as such, should be counted appropriately. We’re still working on the correct number. Unfortunately the longer we work at finding the exact amount, the closer that number approaches zero.” Another scientist and presidential advisor defends conservatives, “Let’s not get the wrong impression, the science isn’t proving conservatives are stupid per say. How can I put this—it’s like the way some people are short-sighted and some people that are far-sighted, we’re just making it policy to take away the sniper rifle from the short-sighted guy, now that we know for sure that he is short-sighted. It’s just common sense, not rocket science or anything like that. That’s why the president has stepped out the way he has, it's not easy to do the right thing when it look so much like the wrong thing.” With the media blackout and US military armed against US citizenry, popular sentiment in Texas begs to differ upon the notion of whether or not the declaration of emergency was indeed the president doing the “right thing.” More news will be released as soon as it develops.